Home Sweet Home

I realize that I'm extremely lucky to be a homeowner. I have a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood in a quiet town. I couldn't be happier. Now lets talk about how much owning a home sucks. Once you purchase your home, the work begins. In the past year, we have had mice in the basement, bees in the kitchen (on going) an ice dam that flooded our bedroom and 15 feet of snow that ruined our ceiling. There's always some bullshit thing going on that you either have to fix, pay someone to fix or ignore until they wear you down.  The "they" I'm referring to is our wives. I don't care if you move into a million dollar mansion or a modest abode, if you have a wife, she will want to change everything.   According to my wife, we currently need: new stairs, a new walk, hot top for the driveway, a new room for my son, a new back door, a swing set and a new deck.   I realize that some things are unavoidable but I'm the type of guy who likes to spread things out over like 5 years. One project a year is more than enough in my eyes but not theirs. They will want to paint, refinish, expand and then move. In that order.  I know she's a woman and "she has the right to change her mind", I've heard that quote 3 times a day for the past 3 years but if we ever try and change our minds on anything, that shit doesn't fly. I'm all about delaying the inevitable, that is my game plan and she is aware because once they get something in their heads, it's just a matter of time before they wear you down with incessant nagging about how we don't do anything around here and why wouldn't we want to improve our homes. They fail to mention that the reason we are improving our homes is so we can sell it and move to a more expensive one just to start this excruciating process all over again. I guess I should just be glad that she hasn't tried to upgrade husbands yet. Although this would be very difficult, I'm sure there's someone out there who might be on the same home improvement game plan as her.  He would have to have no job and unlimited funds but who knows, he may be out there. I guess it could be worse, she could have a husband who didn't notice a woodpecker punching golf ball size holes in our siding because he was taking a nap on the couch after a long day of golf. 

Bon Bini

Welcome to Aruba!  Another woman was just reported missing while snorkeling in Aruba. First reports from Aruban authorities is that she "drifted out to sea in strong currents".  Now I know the reaction from the US is to immediately blame Aruba as a whole for this tragedy but let me try to change your minds. Lets start by saying that nowhere in the entire world is completely safe and that there are bad people everywhere. Knowing this, how could we possibly place the blame on Aruba for this?  We're talking about possibly the best place on earth people.  The sand is pure white, the water is clear blue and the people are some of the nicest I've ever met in my life.  We all know that when travelling to a foreign country, we have to expect that some of the luxuries we're used to in the states just don't exist when we're in these places. Like Dunkins on every corner, top notch health care or a police force who gives a shit.  The Aruban cops proved in 05 that they can't, nor do they want to solve crimes.  Sure they go through the motions but they're not hoping to find anything. If your economy was based 100% on tourism, would you want to solve a murder on your home soil? The answer is no and to be honest, half of my selfish ass is happy about this because I know when I travel there every year, I won't get my balls busted about minor things like drinking in public, public nudity or a harmless case of challenging local cabbies to fist fights.  This brings me to my next point, we're lucky that the people of Aruba don't kill us or drown us at sea more often because when we visit their home, we act like assholes. We  drink like fish, make a menace of ourselves at the restaurants and fuck up local traffic in our Kia rental cars.  Everyone has a breaking point so maybe they're reaching theirs after putting up with years of Massholes asking where El Gaucho was while drinking a Balashi and wearing a Disney World button down because we think it's ok to wear anything while on vacation. Don't get me wrong, I hope they find this girl alive and well but my opinion is that regardless of the outcome and who's to blame in this case, Aruba will be blamed and a boycott will be called for. On the bright side, maybe that would lower airfare and I could visit One Happy Island twice in 2011.

High School Reunion

It's a well known fact that most guys either don't attend any of their high school reunions or they do so reluctantly at the incessant nagging that comes along with having a wife. Then there are a small percentage of guys who seemingly have been waiting for this night since the last reunion, counting the days until they can meet up with all the "friends" from their class that they have had daily contact with on Facebook. These are the guys who will travel great distances to have a night of reminiscing with members of a class who have long since forgotten who they were or simply don't give a shit about them. I recently attended my wife's 20th and I had a great time but with the amount of drinks my buddy and I had, we could have had a good time getting a ball removed.  There were all the people at this event that you would expect: the girl that used to be hot who is now taking up way too much space, the smart girls who have great careers and make you feel completely shitty about your own career, the drunken idiots who are still drunken idiots (these guys are the best) and the people who still live in a world where the most best days of their lives were lived in high school. These are the people I have a major problem with.  If the best days of your life was in high school then lets face it, you must be a real douche. Kids in high school are dumb as shit. They think they know everything and that's what makes them unbearable. I know this because for 4 years, actually, we'll call it six because I'm a slow learner, I was one of these people. Do you know how many times I heard my father utter the words "you're gonna regret this later in life"? He must have said that to me 3 times a day for 4 years and he was 100% right.  When you run into people like this, you know it immediately because they are 1. Right on time for the event 2. Way happier than everyone else 3. Wearing sneakers with a shirt and tie and most importantly 4. ALONE.  Steer clear of these people at all cost because when you run into them, after an awkward hug and a few uncomfortable minutes of small talk, they will ask you for your contact info and then you will never escape. If you are one of these people, please delete this link, stop counting the days to your 25th and fuck off. 

Blog Lockout Resolved

I'm happy to report to all of our loyal followers who have missed us over the past two months, our blog lockout has been resolved. I'll spare you the boring details, but I will say this: Tom's Angry is back.  The owners finally came together and made the determination that this is bigger that petty differences. Our loyal fans need us to continue to deliver up to date, cutting edge, one sided opinions (often downright ridiculous) to the public on a consistent basis. So as I've stated in the past, sit back and relax and enjoy our rants of insanity and impure thoughts. More to follow........ 

Welcome To Titletown

For a real long time it wasn't easy being a Boston sports fan. Growing up as a child, we had Celtics championships but I was too young to really appreciate the importance. As I grew older, like most guys in Massachusetts, my world revolved around the professional sports teams in Boston. Needless to say, most years were filled with heartbreak, letdowns and unfilled promises of certain championships only to be lost in ways that would defy the odds.  This all changed in 2001 when the Pats beat the St Louis Rams in Superbowl XXVI.  The Patriots were the biggest underdogs in Superbowl history at that point in time and they defied all odds and won with a solid team effort. In doing that, they paved the way for all Boston teams to break so called "curses" and 39 and 86 year droughts. In the following years after 01, the Sox won the World Seried in 04 & 07, the Pats won Superbowls again in 04 and 05. The C's won one in 08 with the original Big Three and the B's of course recently just made the most historic run in Cup history by winning 3 game sevens in one postseason. One guy called it on a recent blog post but he doesn't like to gloate.  Anyway, my point is this, Boston has come a long way in the 38 years I've lived here. We're no longer the loveable losers, we're the winners you love to hate and you know what, I'll take that label any day of the week. My nephew is 15 and he's already seen 7 rolling rallies and what that translates to me is that there are only more to come. Hats off to all the ownerships and management of the four major sports teams in Boston. They've put this city in the best position possible: no championship any given year equates to a failure. As fans, what more can we ask for? They have changed the landscape of Boston sports forever and they have made us "Titletown".

Maybe Next Year

After the Heat dropped the Finals 4-2 against the Mavs, Lebron responded to a question regarding all his haters out there by saying "they will still have their lives and personal problems tomorrow and I can live the way I want and do whatever I want to do".  I hope whatever he wants to do doesn't include scoring in the 4th quarter because he proved he can't do that.

This Bitch Better Hang

Vancouver's Full Of Pussies Eh

 Ok, so I'm not the biggest hockey fan in the world but as far as Boston sports teams go, I consider myself die hard. As far as the four major sports go, hockey was last on my list until last year when I jumped on the Bruins bandwagon and I was crushed when they lost to.....ok, lets not go there. Needless to say, I'm fully on board now and I have alot that I need to get off my mind. First off, if you're Canadian or of french descent, close your laptop right now and turn on the latest episode of Calliou (even their cartoon characters are pussies).  I'll be honest, I knew nothing about the Vancouver Canucks until about 7 days ago but over the course of the last week, I've learned all I need to know. Number one: everyone on that team is a complete bitch. Number two: they flop like they belong in the NBA. Number three: the Bruins will win this series. yes, you heard it here first. Number four: they lost all credibility with every other team in the NHL (except for the Canadians who play the same game). Lets start with the Sedin twins. if you're referred to as "Thelma and Louise" and you're a hockey player, retire immediately, no questions asked.  Next, I have a five year old daughter and she is aware that if you bite someone, that's crossing a line. Obviously someone never taught Alex Burrows this life lesson because that's apparently his only defense against the big bad Patrice Bergeron. I could go on and on but everyone reading this knows that their team is driven by cheap shots and pleas for penalties based on embellishment.  This is a country that's only allure is an 18 year old drinking age. Their most famous take-out restaurant is Tim Horton's. The only reason why they're a country is because our fore-fathers stopped when they discovered the baron wasteland that is Canada. Yes, I've also heard rumors of how beautiful the country is, but in the 10 times I've dragged my ass across the border, all I've seen is flat, empty nothingness until the bright lights of a bachelor party shined through our car window.  As far as I know, the food is bad, the people are douches and beer is about the same price of a compact car in the states. They are as insignificant as it comes. They have zero personality and less character and their hockey team personifies this stigma. enough said.

Mother Nature Is A Crazy Bitch

This past Wednesday night, 3 tornado's touched down in Mass killing four and injuring several others. Overall, 19 communities were affected by the severe storms that passed through the entire state sending families into their basements and sending the Commonwealth into a state of emergency.  The last serious tornado in Mass was all the way back in 1953 so my question is this? What's up with this crazy weather lately?  From the Tsunami in Japan, floods in Tennessee and Mississippi, Earthquakes in South America and the Caribbean and the deadly twisters wreaking havoc all over the south and Midwest I'm starting to wonder if all these ridiculous theories of the world coming to an end are actually true.  It seems like every week, somewhere in the world, communities are being devastated by mother nature.  As I sat on my front steps Wednesday night with a camcorder in one hand and a Heineken in the other watching the night sky in a seemingly constant flash of lightening, I started to think how lucky we were to be spared in this latest round of crazy weather.  I realize that the weather in New England is as unpredictable as the lottery and the only reason to watch the weather is to see what Dylan Dreyer is wearing at noon on a weekday but wtf  is up with this? Do we really have reason to worry here? Should I consider emptying the bank account and heading to Vegas?  If anyone has any theories on this I would love to hear them because if the world is really gonna end, I have to get my ass on the golf course asap. I'll have to wear a jacket though because it's about 55 degrees out there today, June 4th.

My Liver Has Never Been So Happy

So it's no secret that my buddies and I are known to have a drink here and there.  We may indulge at a sporting event, a wedding, a random Tuesday at 11:00 A.M. or even a strangers funeral, but by no means do any of us have a problem...until now. Jack Daniels just came out with a 70 proof liqueur called Tennessee Honey and let me be the first to tell you that this liquid must be made from an angels tears. It is the best thing to ever touch my lips since my first girlfriend Shelly's lip gloss in seventh grade.  I realize that some people out there have made commitments to loved ones and even crazier, to themselves to give up drinking for good but lets face it, it's not gonna last.  Just bite the bullet, take your ass to the store and get some of this shit right now. Trust me when I say, it's worth it.  For those of you wondering, no, I don't work for Jack Daniels (not since the restraining order) but I would if they paid me in the form of this delicious nectar.  There is only one rule when enjoying this beverage: DO NOT MIX IT WITH ANYTHING!  That's right ladies (you know who you are) you can't add coke, lemonade, ginger ale or fruit punch to the Tennessee Honey.  You have to drink it the way it was meant to be drank: either in shot form or in a nice glass with an abundance of ice.  I know it may sound terrifying to those of you who usually relax with a Zima or Bud Light Lime but again, trust me, you won't regret it.  Ok, gotta run, I'm late for my AA meeting.

Go Bruins!

I grew up playing hockey and back then I never missed a Bruins game.  I knew every player on the team and my room was filled with hockey cards and Bruins posters. Somewhere along the line, this changed and I haven’t watched a game since the mid 90’s. Then last year a guy in my office got me back into the Bruins. It was nearing the end of the season, and I was interested in what I was seeing. I liked that the game was more wide open again and the Bruins had some good young guys.   They broke our hearts once again last year, but that made me even more excited to watch them this season. This year I have caught most of the games and I’m back into hockey. Then the playoffs started, and I am through the roof! Coming back from 2 games down and winning Game 7 to Montreal and then sweeping Philly, the team that broke our hearts last year, has been unbelievable;  but the win Tuesday night and the performance by Tyler Seguin was probably one of the best hockey games I have ever seen.  I’m jacked up for tonight!!! I’m leaving work and heading directly to my “mantown” with a few ice cold Tom’s Angry Brews and rooting on my Bruins!

By the way, if Seguin doesn’t score tonight, let’s not kill him tomorrow. When I was 19 I was doing keg stands at some random college party…..this kid just won us game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

This Guy Is A Complete AssBag

Ok, so who gives a shit about what the Kansas City Royals are doing on any given day during the entire year. I find it hard that even people who live in Missouri can be fans of a team that has such a consistent reputation of being on the bottom of their division year in and year out.  But that's not to say that they don't deserve to give their players a chance to succeed. I'd love to find out what rookie pitcher Vin Mazzaro did to the Royals manager (Ned Yost because I know nobody knows that) to prompt him to leave this poor kid in the game while he gave up 14 runs over 2 1/3 innings in what is being called "the worst pitching performance in major league history".  He must of ran over his dog, slept with his wife or took his daughter to prom because basically Ned Yost just gave this kid the rear admiral. Mazzaro's pitching line reads as a terrible: 2.1 innings pitched, 11 hits, 14 earned runs, 3 walks, 2 strikeouts (imagine being those 2 guys) and a 22.75 ERA.  I'm not here to defend this guy's performance by any means. If he were in Boston, I'd being calling for him to be publicly caned on Yawkey Way by Johnny Pesky himself but lets lean on the side of humanity for a moment. Imagine being this kid in his first major league pitching appearance, and most likely his last as you're left hung out to dry by your manager. Nobody was ever even up in the bullpen getting ready in relief. You work your entire life for the moment you take the mound in the bigs and your manager does you like this? How do you recover? He was sent down to Omaha after the game so a shot of redemption is out the window and the chance of being recalled is most likely slim to none. If I were Mazzaro, I would dedicate my life after baseball which will most likely be in the near future to sweet revenge on Ned Yost.  I would put a bounty on this guys head if I were this kid. In closing, I'd like to give thanks that Danny Ainge isn't the GM of the Red Sox because in his ultimate wisdom, he would probably trade Beckett straight up for this kid.

A day at Home Depot

This blog is kind of long but hang in there until the end. This stuff only happens to me.

This past weekend my wife sent me out to get a picnic table for our deck.  I knew this was mistake from the minute I pulled out of my driveway. I have countless stories about times when she asked me to “do her a favor” and pick something out for the house, and every time I came back my choice was wrong. So, this time I was prepared, I told myself I was going to stay calm. My first stop was Home Depot. When I found the picnic tables in the store, I called my wife and told her about the options. Two minutes into the conversation we are arguing….so much for staying calm. I’m on my cell phone in the middle of Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon, and I am yelling at her about the dimensions of a picnic table.  People are looking at me like I’m an abusive husband, which I probably was at this point.  As we are going back and forth on the phone, the sensation of taking a dump comes over me. My wife is telling me things, but now I can’t listen to her because I have to go to the bathroom..bad! I am trying to hold it, just so I can get the table and get out of there but its not working. As my wife continues to yell at me about the table, the sensation is getting worse. I’m sweating and squeezing my ass cheeks together, but it’s not helping. I start to walk around in circles, like my 2 year old son does when he has to go, but that’s not working either. With my wife still telling me things about the table, I start to run to the bathroom in Home Depot.  Five minutes ago people saw me yelling at my wife on my cell phone, now the same people see me running through the halls in search of the bathroom. They have to think I am either mentally challenged or I am a potential terrorist. When I finally reach the bathrooms they are full. I pushed my limits already, and at this point I am seriously in danger of shitting my pants. I lean against the wall and physically hold my butt cheeks together…..with my wife still on the phone talking about the difference between a 4x4 table and a 3x6 table. I am hurting, the cramps are in full rage, and I’m on one knee keeled over. Then I hear a guy in the last stall shuffle the news paper around…you have to be kidding me…I am dying out here and this guy is reading the Globe.  Finally, a stall opens up and I get in…I quickly sit down and let out a monster dump. It’s one of those explosions where the water hits your butt, but it’s the best feeling of your life!  I’m not one to sit on the toilet a long time, so I wipe and get up, but as I was pulling up my pants I realized the back of my jeans were all wet. It couldn’t have been the toilet water, so I wiped my wet jeans with my hand and reluctantly took a smell…….it was urine! In the moment of my dump, I must have somehow peed out of the toilet and on the back of my pants. My pants were soaked…it wasn’t just a little wet spot that I could cover up, it was a giant pee area all over the back of my jeans. I didn’t know what to do, I tried to cover it up, but the spot was too big.  I went over the choices in my head and the best option was to pull up my jeans and make a run for it to my car in the parking lot…..so that’s what I did. There I was once again running through the halls of home depot awkwardly seeing the same people…only this time I had a giant pee stain on the back of my jeans. If they didn’t think I was mentally challenged before, I’m 100% sure they did now…….and after writing this story….I might be!

Why So Sensitive?

       Recently the TSA conducted a pat down of an 8 month old baby at the Kansas City International Airport. There has been public outrage across the country because people think an 8 month old couldn't possibly pose a security threat. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and play the devils advocate and argue that any human being can pose a security threat.  As you can see from the above picture, babies are deadly.  For anyone out there who has met my children, a pat down might be too lenient when flying commercially. I think they should opt for the full body scan (especially for my son). When did everyone get so sensitive. Isn't public safety, especially after we just double-tapped the most wanted man in the world, a pinnacle of importance right now? I say pat down every motherf***** that chooses to take to the friendly skies. If you don't like it, walk. I swear people sit around on their little computers banging away on their keyboards complaining about every little....wait, scratch that. Anyway, babies would kill you if given the chance so don't  let them fool you with all their cuteness and innocence.  Disclaimer: the above does not reflect the opinions of Toms Angry or any of it's affiliates and we think the TSA was really just trying to get a chance to pat down the babies mom.         If anyone should be pissed, it should be this bitch.

Mothers Day Present

Happy Mothers Day! You gotta give em what they want on this very special day.

True Love

When I met you, I knew it was love at first sight. I didn't believe in it until that special night. You came into my life and it changed forever. Unarguably, the change was clearly for the better.  I sometimes think about you day and night. When we're together it couldn't feel more right.  You're always there for me through good times and bad. You have the ability to lift me up when I feel sad.  Like any relationship, we don't always gel. Sometimes you make me feel like complete living hell. But through this all, we make it work but sometimes when I'm with you, I act like a jerk.  I realize this may sound odd, but because of you, I sometimes pray and give thanks to God.  No names are necessary, you know who you are: you're Bud Light, Heineken and even PBR. I love you in a keg, bottle or can, I can't explain the joy when you're in my hands.  I love you all the same but I love you the most when watching a game. On sunny days, you're at your best but Toms Angry Brew, you're better than the rest.  Know that I will always love you dearly the best I can. When my wife reads this, I'm a dead man.

The Online Bench

The other night I was trying to be a nice husband, so I came home from work and decided to put together a bench my wife bought on line. She was out with the kids so I figured I could put it together quickly and then watch the Bruins game.  So, I take the box and lay it down flat to open it up, but there’s a big picture of a knife with a Ghostbusters symbol on it that says do not open with a knife. Here’s the problem, the box was taped together with the finest duct tape know to man. I was trying to do the right thing so I attempted to open the box with just my hand. I peeled the tape back and started to pry back the box, I carefully worked my way around until……yup this friggin thing is stapled together and I just cut my hand. I’m not joking, my hand was cut pretty bad and I probably could have used a few stitches.  Here I am 10 minutes into this “little” project,  I am bleeding all over the place, and I still can’t get the box open!  Fast-forward 5-10 minutes and I finally get the thing open.  I take all the pieces out of the box and then find a bag of nails, bolts, screws, wood dowels (have no clue what these things do), washers, and 1 plastic thing.  First thought…I’m screwed… I need a PhD in engineering to put together this simple bench my wife bought online. I started to feel the sweat come down my forehead and my blood pressure starts to rise. Now this isn’t my first go around with putting these types of things together, so I try to calm down and regain my composure but it’s too late. My wife is home with the kids and I have crap all over the floor right in front of the door. Enter my 2 year old son….he busts through the door…says “ Daddy Tools” and walks directly over every piece laying on the floor with his wet sneakers. Then enter my wife…she comes through the door and says “do you know what you are doing!”  I continue to sweat more and my blood pressure rises further. I literally can feel myself getting ready to throw something. I proceed to try and put together this bench….first step is to lay it on its side and slide this cardboard backing into some grooves. My first attempt fails so I try again, and this is when things really go wrong. I am sweating like I just ran the Boston Marathon in a gorilla suit, the sweat is pouring off of me, and it goes all over the cardboard. This must be special cardboard, because it stains…..bad! So here I am with crap everywhere, bleeding, sweating, and I just ruined the bench. There’s no way we can ship it back to the store with bodily fluids on it…….I am defeated by the online bench.  Today this bench sits in my kitchen stained by my bodily fluids. I never told my wife what really happened….I  sort of blamed it on my son and said he must have spilled something on it. 

 Far be it for me to ever complain about my two little "angels" but for those of you out there with kids, maybe you can relate to what we're going through in my house at this stage in our lives.  We've had kids for over 5 years now and it's hard for me to remember what it was like to have the privacy and comfort of knowing that someone wasn't going to blast through your bedroom door like they were a swat team on a coke bust.  I realize that after 9 years of marriage, our house doesn't exactly resemble Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras but it would be nice that when, and if, the opportunity arises for some sweet P in the V, we didn't have to race to the finish line like Lance Armstrong on HGH.  Now I'm down for mixing it up just as much as the next guy but having to use your bathroom as the primary venue for our weekly trysts isn't exactly as glorious as it sounds.  At this point, we either need to have a couch installed in the commode or replace the granite sink basins with leopard print pillow top. 

Suck It Osama

After the news broke Sunday night that Osama Bin Laden was killed by Navy SEAL Team 6 in Pakistan, joyous celebrations broke out all across the US at sporting events, college campuses, DC and Ground Zero. As I was watching the news coverage this morning, a few local news teams were criticizing the fact that people were dancing in the streets over the death of another human being.  I have a hard time agreeing with this in this particular instance considering the fact that this guy was the devil.  He was responsible for orchestrating the worst attack on US soil that killled thousands of people and changed our way of life as we know it. I remember after the 9/11 attacks watching news coverage of people in the middle east burning the US flag and celebrating like their team just won the pennant. If people want to celebrate the death of the worst person on earth then so be it. Maybe this will bring some sense of closure to the thousands of people in our country who's lives were changed by that piece of shit. Lucky for Osama they buried him at sea because Dubya would probably want to have him stuffed and mounted if his body made it back in one piece. I'm not really into politics but you gotta give Obama credit where credit is due on this one so I hope Michelle had something special planned for our Pres after he broke the news last night.

Royal Wedding My Ass

Did everyone read about the horrible tornado's that destroyed entire towns and killed 300 people across the southern U.S.. They're calling this the worst disaster in our country since hurricane Katrina. There are several states that have been declared a state of emergency by our president but the top news story on TV and internet is the royal wedding. Am I missing something here? Would the UK be putting this much emphasis on one of our president's daughters if they were getting married? Why, as a country, are we so wrapped up in this? I understand that Kate is now a real life princess and that is every little girls dream but is anyone as annoyed by the overblown media coverage as I am? My wife actually recorded the wedding (6 hours long). When we got married, the ceremony was about an hour and that was approximately 45 minutes too long because in my estimation, it was 135 degrees in the church on that beautiful October day. Also, they're not even serving beer at the reception because it's not classy enough. After a 6 hour ceremony and all the bullshit that goes along with it, Willy boy is probably gonna be funneling PBR's while banging Kate doggie style late night tonight. No camera's will be rolling for that but if they were, I might tune in.