Vancouver's Full Of Pussies Eh

 Ok, so I'm not the biggest hockey fan in the world but as far as Boston sports teams go, I consider myself die hard. As far as the four major sports go, hockey was last on my list until last year when I jumped on the Bruins bandwagon and I was crushed when they lost to.....ok, lets not go there. Needless to say, I'm fully on board now and I have alot that I need to get off my mind. First off, if you're Canadian or of french descent, close your laptop right now and turn on the latest episode of Calliou (even their cartoon characters are pussies).  I'll be honest, I knew nothing about the Vancouver Canucks until about 7 days ago but over the course of the last week, I've learned all I need to know. Number one: everyone on that team is a complete bitch. Number two: they flop like they belong in the NBA. Number three: the Bruins will win this series. yes, you heard it here first. Number four: they lost all credibility with every other team in the NHL (except for the Canadians who play the same game). Lets start with the Sedin twins. if you're referred to as "Thelma and Louise" and you're a hockey player, retire immediately, no questions asked.  Next, I have a five year old daughter and she is aware that if you bite someone, that's crossing a line. Obviously someone never taught Alex Burrows this life lesson because that's apparently his only defense against the big bad Patrice Bergeron. I could go on and on but everyone reading this knows that their team is driven by cheap shots and pleas for penalties based on embellishment.  This is a country that's only allure is an 18 year old drinking age. Their most famous take-out restaurant is Tim Horton's. The only reason why they're a country is because our fore-fathers stopped when they discovered the baron wasteland that is Canada. Yes, I've also heard rumors of how beautiful the country is, but in the 10 times I've dragged my ass across the border, all I've seen is flat, empty nothingness until the bright lights of a bachelor party shined through our car window.  As far as I know, the food is bad, the people are douches and beer is about the same price of a compact car in the states. They are as insignificant as it comes. They have zero personality and less character and their hockey team personifies this stigma. enough said.

Mother Nature Is A Crazy Bitch

This past Wednesday night, 3 tornado's touched down in Mass killing four and injuring several others. Overall, 19 communities were affected by the severe storms that passed through the entire state sending families into their basements and sending the Commonwealth into a state of emergency.  The last serious tornado in Mass was all the way back in 1953 so my question is this? What's up with this crazy weather lately?  From the Tsunami in Japan, floods in Tennessee and Mississippi, Earthquakes in South America and the Caribbean and the deadly twisters wreaking havoc all over the south and Midwest I'm starting to wonder if all these ridiculous theories of the world coming to an end are actually true.  It seems like every week, somewhere in the world, communities are being devastated by mother nature.  As I sat on my front steps Wednesday night with a camcorder in one hand and a Heineken in the other watching the night sky in a seemingly constant flash of lightening, I started to think how lucky we were to be spared in this latest round of crazy weather.  I realize that the weather in New England is as unpredictable as the lottery and the only reason to watch the weather is to see what Dylan Dreyer is wearing at noon on a weekday but wtf  is up with this? Do we really have reason to worry here? Should I consider emptying the bank account and heading to Vegas?  If anyone has any theories on this I would love to hear them because if the world is really gonna end, I have to get my ass on the golf course asap. I'll have to wear a jacket though because it's about 55 degrees out there today, June 4th.

My Liver Has Never Been So Happy

So it's no secret that my buddies and I are known to have a drink here and there.  We may indulge at a sporting event, a wedding, a random Tuesday at 11:00 A.M. or even a strangers funeral, but by no means do any of us have a problem...until now. Jack Daniels just came out with a 70 proof liqueur called Tennessee Honey and let me be the first to tell you that this liquid must be made from an angels tears. It is the best thing to ever touch my lips since my first girlfriend Shelly's lip gloss in seventh grade.  I realize that some people out there have made commitments to loved ones and even crazier, to themselves to give up drinking for good but lets face it, it's not gonna last.  Just bite the bullet, take your ass to the store and get some of this shit right now. Trust me when I say, it's worth it.  For those of you wondering, no, I don't work for Jack Daniels (not since the restraining order) but I would if they paid me in the form of this delicious nectar.  There is only one rule when enjoying this beverage: DO NOT MIX IT WITH ANYTHING!  That's right ladies (you know who you are) you can't add coke, lemonade, ginger ale or fruit punch to the Tennessee Honey.  You have to drink it the way it was meant to be drank: either in shot form or in a nice glass with an abundance of ice.  I know it may sound terrifying to those of you who usually relax with a Zima or Bud Light Lime but again, trust me, you won't regret it.  Ok, gotta run, I'm late for my AA meeting.

Go Bruins!

I grew up playing hockey and back then I never missed a Bruins game.  I knew every player on the team and my room was filled with hockey cards and Bruins posters. Somewhere along the line, this changed and I haven’t watched a game since the mid 90’s. Then last year a guy in my office got me back into the Bruins. It was nearing the end of the season, and I was interested in what I was seeing. I liked that the game was more wide open again and the Bruins had some good young guys.   They broke our hearts once again last year, but that made me even more excited to watch them this season. This year I have caught most of the games and I’m back into hockey. Then the playoffs started, and I am through the roof! Coming back from 2 games down and winning Game 7 to Montreal and then sweeping Philly, the team that broke our hearts last year, has been unbelievable;  but the win Tuesday night and the performance by Tyler Seguin was probably one of the best hockey games I have ever seen.  I’m jacked up for tonight!!! I’m leaving work and heading directly to my “mantown” with a few ice cold Tom’s Angry Brews and rooting on my Bruins!

By the way, if Seguin doesn’t score tonight, let’s not kill him tomorrow. When I was 19 I was doing keg stands at some random college party…..this kid just won us game 2 of the Eastern Conference Finals.

This Guy Is A Complete AssBag

Ok, so who gives a shit about what the Kansas City Royals are doing on any given day during the entire year. I find it hard that even people who live in Missouri can be fans of a team that has such a consistent reputation of being on the bottom of their division year in and year out.  But that's not to say that they don't deserve to give their players a chance to succeed. I'd love to find out what rookie pitcher Vin Mazzaro did to the Royals manager (Ned Yost because I know nobody knows that) to prompt him to leave this poor kid in the game while he gave up 14 runs over 2 1/3 innings in what is being called "the worst pitching performance in major league history".  He must of ran over his dog, slept with his wife or took his daughter to prom because basically Ned Yost just gave this kid the rear admiral. Mazzaro's pitching line reads as a terrible: 2.1 innings pitched, 11 hits, 14 earned runs, 3 walks, 2 strikeouts (imagine being those 2 guys) and a 22.75 ERA.  I'm not here to defend this guy's performance by any means. If he were in Boston, I'd being calling for him to be publicly caned on Yawkey Way by Johnny Pesky himself but lets lean on the side of humanity for a moment. Imagine being this kid in his first major league pitching appearance, and most likely his last as you're left hung out to dry by your manager. Nobody was ever even up in the bullpen getting ready in relief. You work your entire life for the moment you take the mound in the bigs and your manager does you like this? How do you recover? He was sent down to Omaha after the game so a shot of redemption is out the window and the chance of being recalled is most likely slim to none. If I were Mazzaro, I would dedicate my life after baseball which will most likely be in the near future to sweet revenge on Ned Yost.  I would put a bounty on this guys head if I were this kid. In closing, I'd like to give thanks that Danny Ainge isn't the GM of the Red Sox because in his ultimate wisdom, he would probably trade Beckett straight up for this kid.

A day at Home Depot

This blog is kind of long but hang in there until the end. This stuff only happens to me.

This past weekend my wife sent me out to get a picnic table for our deck.  I knew this was mistake from the minute I pulled out of my driveway. I have countless stories about times when she asked me to “do her a favor” and pick something out for the house, and every time I came back my choice was wrong. So, this time I was prepared, I told myself I was going to stay calm. My first stop was Home Depot. When I found the picnic tables in the store, I called my wife and told her about the options. Two minutes into the conversation we are arguing….so much for staying calm. I’m on my cell phone in the middle of Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon, and I am yelling at her about the dimensions of a picnic table.  People are looking at me like I’m an abusive husband, which I probably was at this point.  As we are going back and forth on the phone, the sensation of taking a dump comes over me. My wife is telling me things, but now I can’t listen to her because I have to go to the bathroom..bad! I am trying to hold it, just so I can get the table and get out of there but its not working. As my wife continues to yell at me about the table, the sensation is getting worse. I’m sweating and squeezing my ass cheeks together, but it’s not helping. I start to walk around in circles, like my 2 year old son does when he has to go, but that’s not working either. With my wife still telling me things about the table, I start to run to the bathroom in Home Depot.  Five minutes ago people saw me yelling at my wife on my cell phone, now the same people see me running through the halls in search of the bathroom. They have to think I am either mentally challenged or I am a potential terrorist. When I finally reach the bathrooms they are full. I pushed my limits already, and at this point I am seriously in danger of shitting my pants. I lean against the wall and physically hold my butt cheeks together…..with my wife still on the phone talking about the difference between a 4x4 table and a 3x6 table. I am hurting, the cramps are in full rage, and I’m on one knee keeled over. Then I hear a guy in the last stall shuffle the news paper around…you have to be kidding me…I am dying out here and this guy is reading the Globe.  Finally, a stall opens up and I get in…I quickly sit down and let out a monster dump. It’s one of those explosions where the water hits your butt, but it’s the best feeling of your life!  I’m not one to sit on the toilet a long time, so I wipe and get up, but as I was pulling up my pants I realized the back of my jeans were all wet. It couldn’t have been the toilet water, so I wiped my wet jeans with my hand and reluctantly took a smell…….it was urine! In the moment of my dump, I must have somehow peed out of the toilet and on the back of my pants. My pants were soaked…it wasn’t just a little wet spot that I could cover up, it was a giant pee area all over the back of my jeans. I didn’t know what to do, I tried to cover it up, but the spot was too big.  I went over the choices in my head and the best option was to pull up my jeans and make a run for it to my car in the parking lot…..so that’s what I did. There I was once again running through the halls of home depot awkwardly seeing the same people…only this time I had a giant pee stain on the back of my jeans. If they didn’t think I was mentally challenged before, I’m 100% sure they did now…….and after writing this story….I might be!

Why So Sensitive?

       Recently the TSA conducted a pat down of an 8 month old baby at the Kansas City International Airport. There has been public outrage across the country because people think an 8 month old couldn't possibly pose a security threat. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and play the devils advocate and argue that any human being can pose a security threat.  As you can see from the above picture, babies are deadly.  For anyone out there who has met my children, a pat down might be too lenient when flying commercially. I think they should opt for the full body scan (especially for my son). When did everyone get so sensitive. Isn't public safety, especially after we just double-tapped the most wanted man in the world, a pinnacle of importance right now? I say pat down every motherf***** that chooses to take to the friendly skies. If you don't like it, walk. I swear people sit around on their little computers banging away on their keyboards complaining about every little....wait, scratch that. Anyway, babies would kill you if given the chance so don't  let them fool you with all their cuteness and innocence.  Disclaimer: the above does not reflect the opinions of Toms Angry or any of it's affiliates and we think the TSA was really just trying to get a chance to pat down the babies mom.         If anyone should be pissed, it should be this bitch.