This blog is kind of long but hang in there until the end. This stuff only happens to me.
This past weekend my wife sent me out to get a picnic table for our deck. I knew this was mistake from the minute I pulled out of my driveway. I have countless stories about times when she asked me to “do her a favor” and pick something out for the house, and every time I came back my choice was wrong. So, this time I was prepared, I told myself I was going to stay calm. My first stop was Home Depot. When I found the picnic tables in the store, I called my wife and told her about the options. Two minutes into the conversation we are arguing….so much for staying calm. I’m on my cell phone in the middle of Home Depot on a Saturday afternoon, and I am yelling at her about the dimensions of a picnic table. People are looking at me like I’m an abusive husband, which I probably was at this point. As we are going back and forth on the phone, the sensation of taking a dump comes over me. My wife is telling me things, but now I can’t listen to her because I have to go to the bathroom..bad! I am trying to hold it, just so I can get the table and get out of there but its not working. As my wife continues to yell at me about the table, the sensation is getting worse. I’m sweating and squeezing my ass cheeks together, but it’s not helping. I start to walk around in circles, like my 2 year old son does when he has to go, but that’s not working either. With my wife still telling me things about the table, I start to run to the bathroom in Home Depot. Five minutes ago people saw me yelling at my wife on my cell phone, now the same people see me running through the halls in search of the bathroom. They have to think I am either mentally challenged or I am a potential terrorist. When I finally reach the bathrooms they are full. I pushed my limits already, and at this point I am seriously in danger of shitting my pants. I lean against the wall and physically hold my butt cheeks together…..with my wife still on the phone talking about the difference between a 4x4 table and a 3x6 table. I am hurting, the cramps are in full rage, and I’m on one knee keeled over. Then I hear a guy in the last stall shuffle the news paper around…you have to be kidding me…I am dying out here and this guy is reading the Globe. Finally, a stall opens up and I get in…I quickly sit down and let out a monster dump. It’s one of those explosions where the water hits your butt, but it’s the best feeling of your life! I’m not one to sit on the toilet a long time, so I wipe and get up, but as I was pulling up my pants I realized the back of my jeans were all wet. It couldn’t have been the toilet water, so I wiped my wet jeans with my hand and reluctantly took a smell…….it was urine! In the moment of my dump, I must have somehow peed out of the toilet and on the back of my pants. My pants were soaked…it wasn’t just a little wet spot that I could cover up, it was a giant pee area all over the back of my jeans. I didn’t know what to do, I tried to cover it up, but the spot was too big. I went over the choices in my head and the best option was to pull up my jeans and make a run for it to my car in the parking lot…..so that’s what I did. There I was once again running through the halls of home depot awkwardly seeing the same people…only this time I had a giant pee stain on the back of my jeans. If they didn’t think I was mentally challenged before, I’m 100% sure they did now…….and after writing this story….I might be!