Saturday, June 11, 2011

Vancouver's Full Of Pussies Eh

 Ok, so I'm not the biggest hockey fan in the world but as far as Boston sports teams go, I consider myself die hard. As far as the four major sports go, hockey was last on my list until last year when I jumped on the Bruins bandwagon and I was crushed when they lost to.....ok, lets not go there. Needless to say, I'm fully on board now and I have alot that I need to get off my mind. First off, if you're Canadian or of french descent, close your laptop right now and turn on the latest episode of Calliou (even their cartoon characters are pussies).  I'll be honest, I knew nothing about the Vancouver Canucks until about 7 days ago but over the course of the last week, I've learned all I need to know. Number one: everyone on that team is a complete bitch. Number two: they flop like they belong in the NBA. Number three: the Bruins will win this series. yes, you heard it here first. Number four: they lost all credibility with every other team in the NHL (except for the Canadians who play the same game). Lets start with the Sedin twins. if you're referred to as "Thelma and Louise" and you're a hockey player, retire immediately, no questions asked.  Next, I have a five year old daughter and she is aware that if you bite someone, that's crossing a line. Obviously someone never taught Alex Burrows this life lesson because that's apparently his only defense against the big bad Patrice Bergeron. I could go on and on but everyone reading this knows that their team is driven by cheap shots and pleas for penalties based on embellishment.  This is a country that's only allure is an 18 year old drinking age. Their most famous take-out restaurant is Tim Horton's. The only reason why they're a country is because our fore-fathers stopped when they discovered the baron wasteland that is Canada. Yes, I've also heard rumors of how beautiful the country is, but in the 10 times I've dragged my ass across the border, all I've seen is flat, empty nothingness until the bright lights of a bachelor party shined through our car window.  As far as I know, the food is bad, the people are douches and beer is about the same price of a compact car in the states. They are as insignificant as it comes. They have zero personality and less character and their hockey team personifies this stigma. enough said.

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