The Online Bench

The other night I was trying to be a nice husband, so I came home from work and decided to put together a bench my wife bought on line. She was out with the kids so I figured I could put it together quickly and then watch the Bruins game.  So, I take the box and lay it down flat to open it up, but there’s a big picture of a knife with a Ghostbusters symbol on it that says do not open with a knife. Here’s the problem, the box was taped together with the finest duct tape know to man. I was trying to do the right thing so I attempted to open the box with just my hand. I peeled the tape back and started to pry back the box, I carefully worked my way around until……yup this friggin thing is stapled together and I just cut my hand. I’m not joking, my hand was cut pretty bad and I probably could have used a few stitches.  Here I am 10 minutes into this “little” project,  I am bleeding all over the place, and I still can’t get the box open!  Fast-forward 5-10 minutes and I finally get the thing open.  I take all the pieces out of the box and then find a bag of nails, bolts, screws, wood dowels (have no clue what these things do), washers, and 1 plastic thing.  First thought…I’m screwed… I need a PhD in engineering to put together this simple bench my wife bought online. I started to feel the sweat come down my forehead and my blood pressure starts to rise. Now this isn’t my first go around with putting these types of things together, so I try to calm down and regain my composure but it’s too late. My wife is home with the kids and I have crap all over the floor right in front of the door. Enter my 2 year old son….he busts through the door…says “ Daddy Tools” and walks directly over every piece laying on the floor with his wet sneakers. Then enter my wife…she comes through the door and says “do you know what you are doing!”  I continue to sweat more and my blood pressure rises further. I literally can feel myself getting ready to throw something. I proceed to try and put together this bench….first step is to lay it on its side and slide this cardboard backing into some grooves. My first attempt fails so I try again, and this is when things really go wrong. I am sweating like I just ran the Boston Marathon in a gorilla suit, the sweat is pouring off of me, and it goes all over the cardboard. This must be special cardboard, because it stains…..bad! So here I am with crap everywhere, bleeding, sweating, and I just ruined the bench. There’s no way we can ship it back to the store with bodily fluids on it…….I am defeated by the online bench.  Today this bench sits in my kitchen stained by my bodily fluids. I never told my wife what really happened….I  sort of blamed it on my son and said he must have spilled something on it.